Empty Thoughts
by Iracthis
Summary: Zell thinks to himself. Some angst..kinda badly written. -_-;; Hope you like.


Author's Note: I am suffering from massive writer's block..but I'm still going to see if I can manage something. Well anyway..let's see what I can throw together. Lots of angst..sorry..I can't seem to write anything happier these days. -_-  
  
It was dark.  
  
Dark and cold.  
  
Dark, cold and lonely. And I sat here, the epitome of unhappiness, in this dark, cold, lonely room. It's surprising how much of a show one could actually pull off, just to sheild the tender, vulnerable, and most of all weak areas of their emotions. But in the end it becomes a lie, a cruel lie that settles to being unconsciously put on like a mask, with very little awareness of it actually being there. I guess in a way we become the lie, and the truth becomes a memory hidden away in the back of one's mind, only to be dusted off and uncovered years later. It is then we understand the truth, and the lie, and we bring out the truth, and we fall apart.  
  
My cheeks were cold and damp, streaked with soft, barely even noticeable tears. Why is it that people feel tears to be such childish things? When, like many other things, it is just something to help express a certain emotion. Kind of like laughter. But unlike laughter you can rarely fake tears. Well..or so I believe.  
  
My hair wasn't done up in it's normal fashion, the gold locks spilling over my forehead, resting on my brow. Thoughtlessly I raked my fingers through my hair, pushing the soft tendrils back, only a few stubbornly escaping my grasp to hang before my eyes agian. I could feel disappointment and shame fill me.  
  
What the hell is wrong with you! Get over it! Your problems cant be much different, or worse than others, but you don't see them sitting around in bathrooms crying.  
  
But can't I just sit here by myself, blissfully dwelling in the pool of my sorrows? Is it such a crime to attempt in relinquishing these feelings just by basking in them? Feeling them for what they are and letting them seep into my pores? Bah..of course...why care for others when its your life and you should be taking care of yourself? Why take care of yourself when you can beat yourself down instead to see for the better of others? Is there no medium?  
  
Yes..yes there is. But I can't live up to that because I'm not Squall. I have to be at either extreme. I am the extreme. Even Seifer does it better than me.. so what am I to do? How do I let go of these feeling and let go of these emotions and become a happier person while seeing that everyone around me is happy as well?  
  
And then it hits me..why exactly do I feel this way? Why is it that I feel this empty void gaping inside of me, dusty and hollow waiting eternally to be filled? Be filled with something that doesn't exist. What is this perpetual sadness that seems to stick to me reguardless of what I do? Did I create it? Did I create it out of my own selfish stupidity? Or was it just there? It has always been there since as far back as I can remember. But the memory is such a fickle and decieving thing.  
  
I cannot find an answer. It has to come to me. Searching has become futile. The more I look the farther it goes. It is eternally out of reach until I stop reaching.  
  
I stood up, the muscles in my legs aching and my joints groaning in protest. It'll come when I'm ready. My hands ran over my arms and I looked at the leather of my gloves. So what do I do? I wait..and I find something to occupy my time with. My reflection in the bathroom mirror was horrid. I cringed at my appearance under the eerie glowing lights. Pale, green eyes dull, hair a mess. I think this lie I made for myself what always how I wanted it to be, so for now that lie will become reality and the truth with be just a paranoid memory until it is stollen away by a savior of what I cannot explain. I'll be what people want me to be until what I want comes to me. And it will come, because I know it will. I have no doubts, I just know.  
  
My lips crackles at they split into a grin, some strange fire lighting within me, energy tingling through my limbs. I jogged out of the bathroom and down the hall to my room. Somehow I felt stuck in a bad movie with a cheesy ending and terribly acting characters. But this was my problem, however big or small compared to whatever, and I had to deal with it. So if I wanted it to be a cheesy movie with bad characters, so be it.  
  
END  
  
Author's note: Well..I guess...this wasn't all that bad seeing as it was my first attempt at writing a thought-fic about Zell. If you couldn't tell that is. -_-;; Bah..hopefully the block with lift. But anyway, I hope you like it! ^-^;; 


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